Should I stay or should I go?
No, I'm not singing Clash in the shower. I'm debating about whether or not I should go on a short term missions trip to Haiti in February.
One of my friends, Sarah, has been several times before and had told me about the trip last year. I talked to my husband. We decided we both could go. He has never been on a mission trip before and it was something he had been thinking of doing. Then life. He got changed back to the alternating swing shift schedule at work, my thyroid decided to go crazy requiring surgery sometime soon, I worried about how I would feel like leaving my not-yet-2 year old for a week. Slowing any serious consideration to go eroded down and just tapered off in the midst of the daily busyness.
Last week a different friend, Heather, who has gone to Haiti with Sarah before and belongs to the same denomination posted on her Facebook wall a list of needs that she will be collecting to take over. This post made me pause and remember all the thoughts I had begun thinking when I my heart had begun stirring months ago about how I could serve Haiti and learn from the people there.
I'd done missions before several times in Western Europe over the course of high school and college. My formative years were marked with the travel and mingling and different languages and spilling out God's grace and developing a love for people who had a different nationality than me. Thanks to the wonderful thing of Facebook I still keep in touch with some of the teammates from the agency I worked for as well as am still connected to some of the church staff and students from Ireland and Belgium. It is amazing to still be seeing ripples of God's goodness and continue to be blessed today through relationships from trips I took years ago. I know there have been a lot of negative conversation surrounding short term mission trips recently--and some things resonated with me--but my life was drastically changed by my experiences abroad for the better. I never set out to be a hero bent on saving souls during any of my trips, I just set out to be a friend.
In my previous trips their culture was beyond America's in terms of the cultural perception of God and how they felt about Him. They were over Catholicism. The were over Protestantism. They were over war. They were over division based on religion. They were done with Jesus. They were post-modern before it was cool. They were... empty.
Belgium was one of the darkest places I have been in terms of walking around in the midst of crowds and feeling a void. Ireland, was different culturally, in that so many were Catholic by birth but didn't practice Catholicism or truly have relationship with Jesus at all. Religion was not a topic discussed that openly due to all the violence in the North. In both places, we were able to come in alongside local churches, support them and connect with the community through sports which opened dialogue and helped form relationships between the community and the local church. I loved it. I also had the opportunity to write and lead some of the Bible study material that our athletes used daily for devotionals. I felt so engaged with what the Body at large was doing during my time with SQ.
But Haiti.... What would a third world country be like? Not only a third world county, but the third hungriest country in the world. There are 196 countries in the world and they rank #3 in hunger. To think of it differently, they rank 194 out of 196 for best fed countries. I don't even want to know where America, in all our excess is listed. 15% of Haitian children are orphaned or abandoned. 70% of the people live in poverty,
So, in what she calls "a weird twist of circumstances," my friend Sarah is now going back to Haiti with the group in February. She had previously decided for many reasons to sit this trip out but now she is going.
I don't think I have been on a single missions trip, ever, that God didn't show up in a big way to provide the way for someone to go that was supposed to be there. So here and Sarah and I were, sitting in our favorite coffee shop, talking about the trip and whether she should or shouldn't go. What reasons were valid for each pro and con and what to do/think/choose when fear/finances/faith complicate decisions. About how when we make hard choices, after the fact, we turn around and see how God orchestrated this huge thing getting us where we are today, fulfilling needs we didn't even know we had.
I said something like, "Your heart is there and you feel called there. If it's just money holding you back then do it! The missional economy and how money seems to fall into place never makes sense! He always provides! It's not like me just saying I'm going and it being just for selfish reasons to go and see this place I've heard so much about. You are connected there!" As soon as the sentence left my mouth, it settled in my stomach weird. Later when I was rethinking the conversation it was like God said, Uh, I never un-called you to missions. And I never un-called you to go to Haiti. And I remembered a sermon about the Great Commission and how "Therefore, go..." is actually translated more meaning "as you go, wherever you go" than it is a direction to geographically go somewhere different to spread the gospel.
You see, after the busyness of summer had hit and plans for us to make this trip had taken a back seat I had started seeking God to clarify my gifts that I was to be using here to serve His body and my community. One thing He revealed to me was my ability for organization. If you could see my house, my van, my desk or could see into my mind, you would laugh. I laughed. But what I heard from God was not about organizing things but hearts. And not just organizing them but connecting them. Meeting people, identifying their strengths, encouraging them and plugging them into the community in the places they fit for the common good. Being able to see needs, recognize resources and connect the two. In essence, exactly what I did as the Volunteer Coordinator when I served in Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina. I might have been tearing out sheet rock or interviewing homeowners painting rooms or feeding hundreds on the beach but all in all, at the bird's eye view level, that's what I was doing. Equipping and encouraging people and sending them out in the world to do the work He has lined up for them to do. I like the busyness of the beehive, every one doing their own part but some people would crumble in that environment. I don't and that's just because that's how He made me.
So now, realizing the February trip was out of my reach this go around, I prayed that God would show me a way to make an impact in Haiti without me actually getting to go there. In August, not long after I prayed that prayer I saw a mutual friend on Facebook post that they were going to Haiti on a missions trip. Light bulb! I contacted Naomi to get the details of their trip and contacted Sarah to see what the needs were and prayed that He would make it happen. And He did. Area friends filled up a large bag of medicine and supplies needed to replenish what had been so quickly depleted from the orphanage while caring for children and staff from the mosquito-borne chikungunya virus outbreak. It felt so fulfilling just being that middle man that was used to make it happen! I was thankful I had felt that nudge to reach out to Naomi, who I didn't really know and listened to that still small voice of the Spirit leading me to serve. to coordinate. to make a difference.
I've also been praying a lot (still) about what I am supposed to be doing with this one, short life He has given me. There has to be more than going to work every day and church on Sunday. I have a passion for photography and do something meaningful is the theme I keep coming back to concerning where to go next with it. As much as I love child and family portrait sessions, I am craving more. I have always been drawn to photojournalism and how one picture can tell a whole story. I think that is why I dream of someday being able to do birth and newborn photography - it's a new story that needs to be told! It allows me to introduce a new little person to the big world in a way that only I can do. Photography and writing are always things that I have loved doing. So if we are supposed to do whatever we do for the glory of God, how can I use these two things to glorify Him?
In the shower I thought about the last confirmation lesson I had taught the week before Christmas. We talked about Gideon and faith and his fleeces. Before I knew it, I challenged God - Please, if I am supposed to go, give me a dream. Whoa, where did that just come from? Are New Testament Christians even supposed to put God to the test like that? Did I? Will I get a dream? If I do it will definitely be confirmation but if I don't do I accept that that is my answer as well? Craziness.
Where do I go from here? I have to make a decision in the next few days. Go to Haiti? Help coordinate a drive to raise funds and supplies to go with Sarah to Haiti? See what my dreams hold tonight?
And so it begins... This blog (of course) will officially begin with the click of one Publish button. My first official blog post will be published. To the public. Yikes. For year(s) I have logged on to this blog and written and saved to drafts. I have driven my car and talked to Siri, she lovingly dictated my verbal blog writings into sometimes awfully transliterated posts that have never seen the light of day. I'm sure she rolls her robot eyes when I tell her to write a note. More like a novel, she says. Well, now there's no turning back, hang on for the ride - I guess I'm a real blogger now.
